Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Bob's Creeptacular Game

So unless you've been living in a cave you've probably heard about the retard "Bob" and his uber amazing totally k-rad bestest evar video game for the Nintendo DS (or, at least, that's what he thought). Long story short, "Bob" had an incredible sense of over exaggerated self importance and when Nintendo outright rejected and basically ignored the little goober, yeah, he threw a great big screaming tantrum...no, really, he *LITERARLY* threw a fucking tantrum. Amongst a variety of other kooky and retarded things, which, I guess after he finally got it through his head that throwing a tantrum wasn't going to get his game on the DS he suddenly started in on the "Oh wait...no wait...I didn't just do that, did I?" and backpedaled his ass into a 180, claiming it was all just a "viral marketing" gimmick...uh huh, sure "Bob", sure.

The really amusing part about the whole retardation is that "Bob" wouldn't actually tell ~anybody~ what his game was even about and the only proof that it even existed at all was a few real crappy 2D sprite forms running real sloppily over a crappy looking map. He claimed that it was ~so~ incredible because he had spent like the past TEN YEARS of his meandering, fuckwitted little non-existence working on the thing. Pretty much flying a giant banner that said, "NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER". Narcissists in general are extremely fixated on sheer numbers, seeing quantity as quality, rather than being able to recognize quality in and of itself. So if someone claims that they're ~totally~ awesome simply because they wasted most of their life on something...yeah, most likely a narcissist.

So, eventually, after all was screamed and tantrumed, lil Bobby boi ~finally~ released a craptacular demo of his ~totally~ awesome game that could be played on a Nintendo DS emulator (sort of, it was pretty glitchy and kludgy).

And for those of us that took the courage, the patience, the sanity out of our lives to brave the monstrosity, well we were shown an incredibly reflective, Mary Sue, self inserted pixel representation of Bob himself that would give us all horrible nightmares in the weeks to come. Yes, Bob himself took a variety of aspects from his own life and basically made a video game about himself (narcissist much). That in and of itself isn't what's so disturbing though, what's disturbing is all the scenes like this...



Bob's mom refers to "Bob" as "little guy", generally the sort of nickname reserved for five year olds, not so much teenagers.



Apparently Bob's mom doesn't let Bob out of the house unless he has her explicit permission. Keep in mind that Bob's Mary Sue is in his mid teens in this game.



She worries about him getting lost...again, a teenager.



Overprotective Mothers...yeah that's a bit of an understatement there, Bob.





o_O

...what...the...fuck!

I mean, good Christ almighty, what the shit is that all about?! I mean if this were just some off the wall incestuous bondage fetish game I might not think it so odd, but remember, this game character is supposedly him in real life, this game is supposedly taken from aspects of his real life! Now, I surely hope to someone's God that there's ~some~ blurry line in there between reality and Bob's incestuous bondage fantasy, cause the idea of Bob being treated like a four year old well into his late teens is, well, just a tad on the disturbing side. But now here's the real mind fuck, if you really look at Bob, all the crazy video taped tantrums and shit he did, all the pompous, self-circle jerking build up, and all the generous amounts of uncreatively crazy that makes up Bob...well, you don't think he just magically turned out like that out of the blue, do you? I mean, ~something~ musta happened to the poor boi to turn him into such an incredible kooky basket case...*nods*...I think maybe that line in Bob's game between fantasy and reality isn't as blurry as one might want to hope.

My theory is that Bob has led an incredibly fucked up life, with an extremely over protective mother that essentially, possibly even to this day, treats him like a retarded five year old. And living in such an environment, with an overly loving mommy figure to constantly coddle you and tell you what a ~special~ "little guy" you are all the time, well you're going to be living in a world where you think just being able to wipe your own ass is some kind of an ~incredible~ accomplishment. And in line with that, making some incredibly craptacular, Mary Sue, self-insert fanfic of an RPG, well shit, if you've been living in Bob's world yer gonna think you're next to fucking Jesus himself, pulling off something like that (no matter how incomplete, lame, crappy, kludgy and infested with banal mediocrity of game play and mechanics that it is). And likewise, if you're that "retarded five year old" whose been coddled and praised for every time you've been able to keep from shitting your pants for more than a few hours at a time, well, what do you think is gonna happen when someone like that faces rejection for the first time?

This starting to fall all into place for you? Yeah, Bob's incredibly kooky meltdown was no "viral marketing" campaign at all, not even remotely. The sad truth of it all is that the "little guy" faced rejection for the first time in his hopeless little life, and mommy just couldn't make it all better, so for him it was like hitting a brick wall at 60 miles per hour, no break, no air bag, no seatbelt. That fucker just slammed the hell into reality so hard that he quite literarily broke down, trashed his own room, flailing about and screaming in what is no doubt the most disturbing example of a "man child" tantrum I've personally ever seen in my life.

The sad truth of the matter is that it isn't "Bob's Game", it's "Bob's Autobiography" and details the sickening childhood he was forced to endure as we the audience are taken on a Wily Wonka boat ride down the ever moar disturbing river of Bob's creepy, sordid, incestuous life. Each new frame of dialogue bringing us one step closer to being able to understand the how and why behind Bob's incredible online kookplosion of epic proportions. He truly is a very disturbed individual, but it really isn't his fault at all, it's his sicko mother that no doubt turned him into the man child he is today and I feel a great swell of pity for him, having his entire life essentially flushed down the toilet by his whacko family. Bob probably would have been better off aborted than born, given the horrific life he's been forced into, it truly is sad...monumentally so. :(

2 comments:

Enaqbz said...

Holy shit, you still talk about ED?

Onideus said...

Why not? Did ED finally bite the big one? Last I checked they were begging for over THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS in pity donations. As long as they keep doing retarded shit I'll keep pointing it out for the entertainment, that's generally how it works, Kiddo.